Chronicles Of My Ana

Sunday, October 9, 2011

UPDATE THE HELL

Life:
FUCK SHIT BITCH WHORE I fucking hate this. I need an appointment with a specialist, but of course lea ann isn't going to make that appointment.
I am so fucking tired of this. That bitch needs to fucking do something other than sit on her lazy ass all day while I bust my hump looking for a job, and trying to pass school because I'm barely there. Why am I barely there? BECAUSE I NEED A FUCKING APPOINTMENT WITH THE SPECIALIST. But no. Not gunna happen. Why? Because somehow I was brought into life with the worst circumstances possible.
And of course bill and hattie aren't help! They're my grandparents. They make 73,000 dollars a year, and won't let me buy a wrist brace. But of course, they'll spend hundreds on lea ann at once. I got my library card taken away because lea ann used it and never returned her book. $65 fine!
I have extreme health conditions, but of course everybody here just looks the other way when they don't want to deal with something. At this rate, I'll never get a job! I'll be 18 years old, dying, unable to pay for medical bills, and unable to pay for insurance.
I know this sounds selfish, but that all-talk-about-helping-me-for-8 YEARS bitch of a grandmother better leave me some fucking money when she dies. >:(
If push comes to shove, I'm pretty, I can model, or be a (OHDEARGOD) porn star, or if nothing (cringe) a prostitute.
Modeling is cool, I really don't want to end up being some one who has to go as low as showing off their genitals.
I broke up with my girlfriend. She's the female type douche bag. Seriously.
Appearance:
Shitty. I haven't showered because when I do the household teases me. "I'm going to take a shower." "Oh, please do!" *gets out of shower* "I thought it was supposed to smell better.
So now my hair is greasy and flat. I dyed it blonde, but it came out ginger. I'm going to bleach it though...
I gained weight too. I'm too damned stress to diet, okay?
Health:
I've come to the conclusion that I have some rare disease and that I'm not going to get help and then later in life when I'm actually happy, I'll find out what it is, though it will be too far to stop it from killing me. Yup.

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Stats

*The Basics*
1.Name:: Halja
2.Sex:: female
3.Birthday:: 4 February 1997
4.Age:: 14
5.Location:: Rifle
6.Hair Color:: Blonde
7.Eye Color:: turns color from grey-blue-green
*My Eating Disorder*
8.What Eating Disorders Do You Have:: Anorexia.
9.How Long Have You Had Them:: since June 2010
10.Why Do You Have An Eating Disorder:: I don't really know...
11.Are You Proud or Ashamed of Your Eating Disorder:: Ashamed. Very ashamed. And I should be. The girls at school think I'm positively beautiful. They thinks this disease is beautiful. This disease is going to kill me.
12.Do People Know About Your Eating Disorder:: My friends. And pretty much everyone at school.
13.Do You Wish People Knew About it:: No.
14.Do You Wish You Never Had An Eating Disorder:: Yup.
15.Do You Think The Media is Partially Responsible For Your Eating Disorder:: No.
*My Body*
16.Weight Before Eating Disorder:: 118 lbs.
17.Height: 5'5.25’’
18.Current Weight:: Around 100
19.Highest Weight:: 124
20.Lowest Weight:: I DUNNO :C
21.Are You Tired A lot:: Yes.
22.Have You Ever Fainted:: Yes.
23.Are You Cold All The Time:: Yes.
24.Do Your Ribs Show:: Yes.
25.Do Your Hipbones Show:: Yes.
26.Does Your Collar Bone Show:: Yes.
27.Can You See Your Ribs Through Your Back:: Yes.
28.Do Your Thighs Touch:: No.
29.Chest Size:: 36A
30.Does Your Head Look Too Big For Your Body:: Not really.
31.Are You Satisfied With The Way You Look Now:: No.
32.If You Could, What Would You Change About Yourself:: I wish I wasn't anorexic.
34.What Is Your B.M.I.:: 16.something
35.What Do The Doctors Say is Your Ideal Weight:: They don't know.
36.What Do You Think Is Your Ideal Weight:: 90
*My Thinspirations*
37.Who Are Your Thinspirations:: Nope.

38.Who is Your Favorite Thinspiration:: LOLNOTTELLING
39.Who is Your Second Favorite Thinspiration:: (not telling)
40.Why Do You Envy Them:: So beautiful....
41.What's The Best Thing About Them:: (not telling)
42.What's The Worst Thing About Them::(Not telling)
43.Would You Trade Places With Them If You Could:: Life is a mysterious thing.
*My Mind*
44.Do You Consider Your Eating Disorder a 'Disorder':: Yes.
45.Are You Pro-Ana/Pro-Mia:: ANOREXIA and BULIMIA are DISEASES that should not be called by petsy nicknames and should not be WORSHIPED.
46.Would You Ever Want Your Best Friend To Have An Eating Disorder:: No. Never.
47.What Are Your Disordered Eating Habits:: I just...don't eat at this point.
48.Are You Obsessive Compulsive:: Yes.
49.Are You A Perfectionist:: Yes.
50.Do You Have Depression:: Yes.
51.Are You A Cutter:: Yes.
52.Have You Ever Been Suicidal:: Yes.
53.Have You Ever Attempted Suicide:: Yes.
54.Have You Ever Been Hospitalized For Mental Reasons:: Yes.
55.Have You Ever Been Hospitalized For Your Eating Disorder:: No.
56.Do You Have Body Dismorphic Disorder:: No.
*Your Life Outside Your Disorder*
57.Favorite Color:: Black, yellow, white, blue.
58.Favorite Movie:: Underworld
59.Favorite Book:: Harry Potter
60.Favorite T.V. Show:: Spongebob
61.Favorite Season:: Winter.
62.Favorite Day of The Week:: Saturday.
63.Favorite Time Of Day::. When the weather lines up just right with the breeze and creates a bit of a fairytale scenery.
64.Favorite Holiday:: Christmas
65.Favorite Hobby:: Fish keeping. I have 2 aquariums.
66.Favorite Actor:: Alan Rickman
67.Favorite Actress:: Kate Beckinsale
68.Favorite Musician:: Nils Andersson. <3
69.Do You Have Any Pets:: 2 cats, 2 dogs, 6 fish.
70.What Do You Like To Do In Your Spare Time:: Read, watch my fish.
*The Future*
71.What Do You Want To Study In College:: Midwifery
72.What Career Do You Want:: Midwife.
73.Do You Ever Want To Get Married:: Yes.
74.Do You Ever Want Kids:: Yes.
75.Where Do You Want To Live:: Horby, Sweden.
76.Will You Have Any Pets:: Probably just fish. I'd be too busy to nourish a cat or dog.
77.What Type of House Do You Want:: A big one. With a pool.
78.What Goals Do You Have That Are Unrelated To Your Eating Disorder:: To be successful, and happy.
79.What's Your Number One Priority:: Making my dad proud. :3
80.How Do You Think You Will Die:: Anorexia, or my health problems.
81.When Do You Think You WIll Die:: Young. I'm not very healthy, even with out anorexia.
82.Will You Be Missed By Anyone:: Yes.

83.Will You Have Any Regrets:: Always.
84.Will You Have Any Unfinished Business:: Always.
85.Will Your eating disorder still be affecting you:: Always.
I AM -
[x] anorexic
[ ] ednos
[ ] bulimic
[ ] living off diet pills
[x] hungry
[x] thirsty
[ ] drinking something
[ ] eating something
[x] under 100lbs
[x] starving myself
[ ] participating in a fast
[ ] vegan
PEOPLE -
[x] ask if I’m anorexic/bulimic
[ ] call me fat
[x] say I’m skinny
[ ] say I’m ugly
[x] say I’m pretty
[x] spread rumors about me
[ ] force me to eat
[ ] say I eat too much
[x] wish I’d eat more
[ ] don't know I'm anorexic/bulimic
[x] have tried to stop me
I WISH -
[ ] I was thin
[x] I had a better body(AN-healthier)
[x] I didn't have to eat
[ ] I could control myself
[ ] I was under 110lbs
[ ] I could avoid food
[ ] I could hide what I am
[ ] I wasn’t fat
[ ] I was prettier
[x] I could stop being ana/mia
[ ] I had a boy/girlfriend
[ ] I could disappear
I LOVE -
[x] feeling hungry
[x] seeing a difference
[ ] shaking
[ ] being weak (but strong at the same time)(AN- wtf is this bullshit question?)
[x] losing weight
[ ] being anorexic/bulimic
[x] green tea
[x] diet pills
[x] being able to turn down food
[x] feeling good about myself
I HATE -
[x] when people stare
[x] being asked questions
[x] having to eat
[ ] being single
[x] wearing short skirts
[ ] being fat
[ ] looking ugly
[x] feeling this way
[ ] fat people
I NEED -
[ ] more support
[x] people to stay out of my business
[ ] more friends
[ ] someone to know
[ ] less food
[x] more water
[ ] a gym membership
[ ] to lose 50 lbs
[ ] to lose 30 lbs
[ ] to lose 15 lbs
[x] to lose 10 lbs
I'm updating this every Saturday

Sunday, October 9, 2011

UPDATE THE HELL

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Almost Halja